Forbidden Hogwarts 3: Live From the Moulin Rouge
by StephenKingJunkie
Summary: Back by popular demand and requests from the Pattinson Online forums! The title says it all - a story about love, comedy, friendship, and music of all genres!
1. The Prologue

Fred and George, wanting to shake things up a bit for the remainder of the year (it was now early February), finally found what they were looking for. The spell of a lifetime - a spell that, if anyone in the school felt the urge to sing (whether it was Harry singing 'Teenagers' or Cedric and Diana singing yet another sappy showtune), they had to. Sort of like Tourette's of the vocal cords.

They cast the spell in the Potions classroom after dark, when Snape was out - a bunch of things went into a cauldron, but the only things that the twins wound up remembering afterwards were the pieces of paper with musical notes on them. The parchment had slowly dissolved, leaving behind an echo in the empty dungeon.

-----------------------------------

"How dare they?!" Cho muttered through gritted teeth as she flipped through the spellbook, looking for the potions section.

This time it had truly been too much. She had expected Cedric and Diana to drop out of the musical a LONG time ago. After all those pranks (which no one had been caught for, but had been Cho) had been pulled on that brunette four-eyed singing twit, Diana would've been exactly the kind of person to drop out. And Cho had heard how Cedric talked - his mom would most likely have a heart attack halfway through the performance.

So, they both had their reasons to go. Opening night was tomorrow in the Great Hall, and yet... THEY WERE STILL THERE!

Finally, she found the spell she was looking for. It would serve as a double whammy - Diana's punishment for dating Cho's ex (who she still liked quite a bit), Cedric's punishment for trying to break away from his current reputation. Who did he think he was, Troy Bolton?

The punishment, you may ask? Here it was, in one simplified sentence:

Bring someone else into the picture.

-----------------------------------


	2. Sweet Talkin' Sugar Coated Candyman

A few hours before 'Chicago'...

Diana stepped in front of the microphone in the studio for the Hogwarts Radio Station. Lee Jordan was at the other, and already, Diana felt like she had stepped into a time warp. It looked like it came straight out of the 1940's.

In fact, she sort of felt like she had come straight from the 1940's - she had her contact lenses in (she never wore the glasses anymore), her hair was in a French twist, and she wore a black-and-white pinstripe dress with a red belt, black tights, and black high heels. Before she had stepped out of the common room this morning, Cedric had said, "Since when were you in the U.S.O.?" The only thing that proved she wasn't a completely different person was the engagement ring on her finger.

Lee said into the microphone as the last song (something by Celestina Warbeck, she hadn't really been paying attention), "And now, live from the studio, we have one of the stars of tonight's production of 'Chicago' - Diana Cross, who plays Velma Kelly - singing the Muggle smash hit, 'Candyman'!"

The music started up. Lee sang back-up. "_Tarzan and Jane were swingin' on a vine -_"

Diana sang, "_Candyman, candyman -_"

"_Sippin' from a bottle of vodka double wine -_"

"_Sweet, sugar, candyman..._

_Hey-ey-ey-ey uh,_

_I met him out for dinner on a Friday night,_

_He really got me working up an appetite,_

_He had tattoos up and down his arm,_

_There's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm,_

_He's a one-stop shop, makes the panties drop,_

_He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman,_

_A sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman,_" Diana sang as she thought with a smile, forcing herself not to laugh into the microphone, "Oh my God, Cedric's going to kill me."

She kept singing, dancing from side to side,

"_Ooh, yeah, yeah,_

_He took me to the Friday Club at Hollywood and Vine,_

_We drank champagne and we danced all night,_

_We shook the paparazzi for a big surprise,_

_The gossip tonight will be tomorrow's headlines,_

_He's a one-stop shop, makes my cherry pop,_

_He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman,_

_A sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman!_

_Shoo-doo-bee-do-wee-dop-bop-shoo-be-wow-ba-wow,_

_Shoo-doo-bee-do-wee-dop-bop-shoo-be-wow-ba-wow,_

_Shoo-doo-bee-do-wee-dop-bop-shoo-be-wow-ba-wow,_

_Shoo-doo-bee-do-wee-dop-bop-shoo-be-wow-ba-wow,_

_He's a one-stop shop, makes my cherry pop,_

_He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman,_

_A sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman!_

_Woah, yeah,_

_Well, by now I'm getting all bothered and hot,_

_When he kissed my mouth, he really hit the spot,_

_He got lips like sugar cane, oh,_

_Good things come for boys who wait!_"

Lee sang, "_Tarzan and Jane were swingin' on a vine -_"

"_Candyman, candyman -_"

"_Sippin' from a bottle of vodka double wine -_"

"_Candyman, candyman!_"

Diana put her hands on her knees and sang in a whisper,

"_Sweet, sugar, candyman,_

_He's a one-stop, gotcha-hot, makin' all the panties drop,_

_Sweet, sugar, candyman,_

_He's a one-stop, got-me-hot, makin' my 'uh' pop,_

_Sweet, sugar, candyman,_

_He's a one-stop, get it while it's hot, baby don't stop,_

_Sweet, sugar..._"

She stood up straight and sang, surprised her voice didn't crack,

"_He got those lips like sugar cane,_

_Good things come for boys who wait!_

_He's a one-stop shop with a real big 'uh',_

_He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman,_

_A sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman,_

_A sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman, wooo,_

_A sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman!_

_Oooh, whoa,_

_Candyman, candyman,_

_Candyman, candyman,_

_Candyman, candyman,_

_Candyman, candyman,_

_Candyman, candyman..._"

Lee sang, "_Tarzan and Jane were swingin' on a vine,_

_Sippin' from a bottle of vodka double wine,_

_Jane lost her grip and a-down she fell,_

_Squared herself away as she let out a yell!_"

With that, the song ended. Diana started laughing - "Oh yeah," she thought. "There's no way Cedric will let me live this down."

------------------------------------

In the Hufflepuff Common Room, most of the Hufflepuffs (now proud to have Diana in their house - the moment she had gotten word that she would be singing on the radio, they loved her) and some people from other houses (like Harry and his posse) were listening to the radio, dancing, and just hanging out in general. Cedric, Fred, George, Harry, Hermione, and Ron had taken over the couch.

Diana's voice, crystal-clear and full of vocal-cord-power, sang at volume level 10 on the radio, "_When he kissed my mouth, he really hit the spot,_

_He got lips like sugar cane, oh,_

_Good things come for boys who wait!_"

Fred laughed, "Damn, Cedric, why did you have to get Diana?"

Harry said, "Yeah! Ced, you always get the hot girls, seriously." All the boys in the room simultaneously agreed - all the girls (who thought that it was always Diana who got the hot guys) suddenly cast the evil eye at the radio, which was now blaring the words, "_He's a one-stop, gotcha hot, makin' all the panties drop..._"

Cedric looked at the ceiling with as innocent a look on his face as possible (he wanted to start laughing his head off). "It's not like I try to get the girls, you know."

----------------------------------

On the other side of Hogwarts in the Slytherin Common Room, Draco and his posse were listening to, you guessed it, the Hogwarts Radio Station.

Before today, Draco had never really liked Diana, but hearing her sing on the radio now sent a shiver down his spine. He didn't know what it was - Hufflepuffs weren't his taste, not by any means. Not to mention, he had been madly in love with Pansy right before this happened. But now...

The rest of the guys were laughing and talking about how pathetic Hufflepuffs are, and the girls were gossiping about the rest of the school. Draco was the only one really paying attention to the music.

Her voice had never sounded sweeter. "_He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman, a sweet talkin' sugar coated candyman..._"

His concentration was broken when Crabbe said, "Yo, Malfoy, what do you think?"

"About what?" Draco said quickly.

"About Dig-Dug and Soprano. We're placing bets on how fast they'll get divorced."

"Uh... 5 galleons on 1 month." Draco thought, "I hope. Dig-Dug doesn't deserve her at all."

-----------------------------------


	3. Opening Night

5 minutes to curtain...

"Ced, I don't know if I can do this," Diana said nervously, feeling like she was going to throw up.

"Don't worry about it! If you were able to sing 'Candyman' on the radio, you can sing 'All That Jazz'."

"There's a big difference, though! With the radio, no one could actually see me. But now... ugh... my mum's going to see me in a corset and fishnets dancing like I was on the Moulin Rouge stage or something -"

"Remember, 'All That Jazz' isn't as bad 'All I Care About'. Consider yourself lucky. Not to mention, both of my parents are in the audience."

"... I'm sorry I made you stay in the play. Your mom probably IS going to have a heart attack."

"It's okay - most likely, all that'll happen is that my dad will call me 'Silver-Tongued Prince of the Courtroom' for a few months and my mum will give me the silent treatment for a week," Cedric laughed as he straightened his tie.

Diana looked at herself again in the mirror that was in the backstage area - she had never worn anything like this in her life. This just went beyond her comfort zone oh-so-very much.

"Not to mention," Cedric whispered, "You look rather sexy in fishnets."

"Oh, shut your face," she laughed as she playfully hit him on the arm.

----------------------------

Harry stepped up to the microphone onstage (there were an amazing amount of people in the audience, he noted) and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Onyx Club is proud to present Chicago's hottest dancing duo, two jazz babes moving as one, the Kelly Sisters!"

Diana walked onstage, appreciating the fact that the audience just looked like outlines. It made it look less real. She walked over to Harry and said, "Sorry, Veronica's not herself tonight."

The lights went out, and Diana ran to her place onstage. She turned her back to the audience, and then the single spotlight went to her.

She turned around slowly as she sang,

"_Come on, babe,_

_Why don't we paint the town_

_And all that jazz?_

_I'm gonna rouge my knees_

_And roll my stockings down_

_And all that jazz,_

_Start the car,_

_I know a whoopee spot_

_Where the gin is cold,_

_But the piano's hot -_

_It's just a noisy hall_

_Where there's a nightly brawl_

_And all... that... jazz..._

_And all that jazz..._"

She sat on top of the piano that was onstage and gazed out at the audience and almost went wide-eyed. Her mom was in the front row - she looked like she was going to start laughing or crying, Diana couldn't tell which.

"_Slick your hair _

_And wear your buckle shoes_

_And all that jazz..._"

---------------------------------------

Later on in the performance, Diana was sitting on top of one of the trunks that were backstage, staring at the floor.

When Cedric asked what was wrong, she muttered, "I think I'm going to throw up. Ced, my MOM is in the front row! I wasn't exactly counting on that, I thought she'd be in the way-back or something!"

"Look, just don't worry about it. Remember..." Cedric paused to think of something, then grinned as he said, "There could be talent scouts in the audience. Ones that'll cast you as Satine in 'Moulin Rouge' if you do a good job tonight."

"You sound like a life coach right now."

"Can't blame me for trying to calm you down, can you?"

"I guess not. Thank you."

Just then, Cedric heard his cue, which was Cho saying, "He's never lost a case?"

He thought, "Oh God, I almost forgot. This is going to be hell. Oh well, you're the one who stayed in, Ced - grin and bear it, and try not to faint or anything."

Diana heard the cue, as well - she raised an eyebrow and sang quietly, "_All I care about is love -_"

Cedric laughed, "You're not going to let me forget this, are you?"

"Never."

-------------------------------

He walked behind the curtains, standing center stage. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he heard the girls onstage singing, "_And here he is!_"

Harry said into the microphone, "_And now, the silver-tongued prince of the courtroom, the one, the only Billy Flynn!_"

The curtains opened, and Cedric winked at the audience.

He sang,

"_I don't care about expensive things,_

_Cashmere coats or diamond rings,_

_Don't mean a thing -_

_All I care about is love!_"

------------------------------------------

And now, the final performance of the night - the Hot Honey Rag.

Diana and Cho stood with their backs to the audience and Cho whispered, "Break a leg, literally."

"Go crash your broom into Hogwarts Castle."

Then the spotlight went to them. They turned around slowly as they sang,

"_You can like the life you're living,_

_You can live the life you like,_

_You can even marry Harry,_

_But mess around with Ike,_

_And that's good, isn't it grand?_

_Isn't it great? Isn't it swell?_

_Isn't it fun? Isn't it - but nothing stays..._

_In fifty years or so, they're gonna change, you know,_

_But, oh, it's heaven nowadays..._"

Off went the jackets as the music increased in tempo. Harry said into the microphone, "Okay, you babes of jazz, let's pick up the pace! Let's make the parties longer, let's make the skirts shorter, let's all go to hell in a fast car and KEEP IT HOT!"

Diana barely paid attention to the music - she'd watched 'Chicago' enough to know the choreography by heart. Then, while doing the cartwheel at the very end, a sharp pain shot through her leg. She looked down - her knee didn't look like it was in the right place at all. "Dammit," she thought, "I broke my leg."

She kept dancing, though, even though tears started rolling her face from the pain. She sang at the very end of it, "_And all... that... jazz!_"

With that, the lights went out. The audience went wild, and during curtain call, she and Cedric got the most applause.

The moment she got backstage, Diana collapsed on the wooden floor. She said with a laugh, "Does anyone have access to Madame Pomfrey's medicine cabinet?"


	4. The Elephant Love Medley

After the play...

Luckily, since the Bone-Regrow potion was used (even though it tasted like shoe polish), Diana's leg mended in an hour.

--------------------------------

At the Nine Muses that night...

"I swear to God, the entire 'All I Care About' number is the most embarassing thing I've ever done in my life," Cedric muttered.

"At least you didn't break your leg," Diana said. "You know, right before that number, Cho actually told me to literally break my leg. I think she hexed me."

Hermione shrugged. "I guess it's possible to do that without a wand."

Fred laughed a little. "Well, personally, I think tonight's production of 'Chicago' is the best thing that ever happened to this school."

"Are you just saying that because you got to see half of the girls in this school in fishnets and corsets?"

"Maybeh... nah. I just think it was awesome, that's all."

Luna walked up to the microphone on the Nine Muses stage and said, "Next up, Cedric Diggory and Diana Cross!"

Fred groaned good-naturedly, "Ah Christ, now what are you guys singing?"

"That's for us to know and for you to find out."

The two of them walked onstage and each picked up a microphone.

Cedric cleared his throat and said, "Love is a many-splendoured thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!"

Diana laughed, "Please, don't start that again."

"_All you need is love -_"

"A girl has got to eat!"

"_All you need is love -_"

"She'll end up on the street!"

"_All you need is loooove!_"

"_Love is just a game!_"

"_I was made for lovin' you, baby, and you were made for lovin' me!_"

"_The only way of loving me, baby, is to pay a lovely fee!_"

"_Just one night, give me just one night..._"

"_There's no way, 'cause you can't pay!_"

"_In the name of love! One night in the name of love!_"

"_You crazy fool, I won't give in to you!_"

"_Don't leave me this way..._

_I can't survive without your sweet love,_

_Oh baby, don't leave me this way..._"

Hermione whispered, "Oh yeah, they're officially insane."

Fred decided not to say anything about the spell and took a sip of his drink.

Diana sang quietly, "_You'd think that people would've had enough of silly love song..._"

Cedric sang (and you could hear the laugh in his voice), "_I look around me and I see it isn't so, oh no..._"

"_Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs..._"

"_Well, what's wrong with that? I'd like to know, 'cause here I go again!_

_Love lifts us up where we belong,_

_Where eagles fly on a mountain high!_"

"_Love makes us act like we are fools,_

_Throw our lives away for one happy day!_"

"_We could be heroes..._

_Just for one day._"

"_You, you will be mean._"

"No, I won't."

"_And I,_ I'll drink all the time."

"_We should be lovers..._"

"_We can't do that._"

"_We should be lovers_

_And that's a fact._"

"_Though nothing would keep us together..._"

"_We could steal time..._"

They both sang, "_Just for one day._

_We could be heroes,_

_Forever and ever,_

_We could be heroes,_

_Forever and ever,_

_We can be heroes..._"

Cedric sang, "_Just because I... will always love you..._"

"_I..._"

"_I can't help loving..._"

"_... you..._"

Diana smiled and looked him right in the eye as she sang,

"_How wonderful life is,_

_Now you're in the world..._"

With that, the song ended. They went back to their seats, laughing the whole time.

Fred said jokingly, "That was so cheesy, I'm surprised I was able to watch it without crackers."

-----------------------------------

That night...

"Why can't I sleep anymore?" Cedric thought as he stared at the wall. He was beginning to think he was an insomniac.

"Alright," he thought, "Just count sheep. Maybe you'll get to sleep then. One, two - wait, why do they look like rabbits? Flipping rabbits, let the sheep through! Stupid bunnies, why do they even exist?"

Later on, he was able to sleep, but the dream he had that night had him wondering if insomnia was better.


	5. The Dream

First of all, the location of the dream didn't look familiar at all. There was a wooden floor and red walls, with seats surrounding it and a balcony. On the bandstand in the front of the room, there were over 50 band members. There was also a wall composed of mirrors. There were a bunch of guys in suits sitting there (not a single woman among them).

The mirror wall started to turn... he suddenly realized where he was...

When the mirror wall had fully turned, a group of girls in can-can outfits were standing there, but the thing was, all of them were people from Hogwarts. And that was somewhat disturbing - for instance, Hermione was Garden Girl, Cho was Nini Legs-in-the-Air, Ginny was Tarot... in fact, there was only one girl who wasn't in the group. Diana.

Fred was standing in front of the group (wearing a top hat and red suit), and the music started up.

The girls sang, "_Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister..._"

He sang, "_If life's an awful bore, and living's just a chore _-"

"_Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister -_"

"_What to do? 'Cause death's not much fun -_"

"_Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister -_"

"_I've just the antidote, and thought I mustn't gloat -_"

"_Gitchie-gitchie ya ya da da -_"

"_At the Moulin Rouge, you'll have fun!_"

--------------------------

Then, he woke up.

Cedric muttered, "I'm never watching that movie again... that was just messed up."


	6. The Contract

Later that day...

Diana was working on her Charms homework in the common room when Professor Sprout walked in.

Prof. Sprout said, "Miss Cross, Prof. Dumbledore would like to see you in his office."

"What about? Did I do something wrong?"

"Oh no, not at all. It's about 'Chicago'."

"Oh, okay."

------------------------------

Diana walked into the office, glancing at Fawkes, who was sitting in his cage. Dumbledore was at his desk.

He said, "Ah, good evening, Miss Cross. I trust you're feeling well?"

"Yes, professor."

"About last night's production of 'Chicago'... first of all, you were wonderful as Velma Kelly. I would've thought you'd be nervous, it being your stage debut and everything."

"I was nervous beyond belief. Breaking my leg mid-dance didn't help much."

"Anyway, Lucius Malfoy was in the audience -"

"Draco's dad?"

"Yes. He owns the Diagon Alley Theatre Company, and he was wondering if you wanted to sign a contract with the company."

Diana's mouth dropped open. The Diagon Alley Theatre Company?! That was the wizarding world's most renowned acting troupe - she went to see their plays every summer. "Are you serious?"

"Quite."

Just then, Mr. Malfoy walked in holding a bundle of papers. "Albus, have you talked to her yet about -"

Diana turned around. "You want me to join?"

"Oh yes - and in case it makes any difference, our first play is going to be 'Moulin Rouge'. We'd like you to play Satine." She automatically thought she was going to faint.

"Where do I sign?!"

"Easy," he laughed. "You better read it first." Mr. Malfoy handed her the contract.

Diana skimmed the paragraphs. It all seemed agreeable. "Excuse me, do you have a pen I could borrow?"

Mr. Malfoy handed her a pen. She signed hastily (Diana Harriet Cross, written in her best cursive) and handed him the contract and the pen. "Pleasure doing business with you," he said, "'Moulin Rouge' will be in the summer. If you have any other questions, ask Draco - he can tell you everything about this." Summer was still 2 months away.

------------------------------------

That night at the Nine Muses...

"Are you kidding?" Hermione nearly yelled across the table.

"Nope. Mr. Malfoy wants me to play Satine in 'Moulin Rouge'!" Diana squealed.

Cedric raised an eyebrow. "Mr. Malfoy? As in Draco's dad?"

"Yeah."

"He must think you're pretty good - he never casts Hufflepuffs."

"Oh really now? How would you know?"

"I was listening to a radio special about the Diagon Alley Theatre Company the other day."

Fred patted Diana on the back and said, "Even if it seems weird, look at it this way; the girl who jumped on the tables and sang 'Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend' is going to play Satine, which has been her life's dream for how many years now?"

"Since I saw the movie, I guess."

"Which was when?"

"When I was 13."

"Since she was 13, everybody!"

Cedric thought, "Well, that definitely explains the dream. The reason Diana wasn't in the group is because she was on the swing. Ugh, I'm having pyschic dreams."

Just then, Luna said, "Next up, Satine - I mean, Diana Cross!" Everyone laughed and started talking about what had happened that day with the contract. Diana walked onstage and picked up the microphone, and the music started up.

She sang,

"_When you walk in a bar,_

_And you're dressed like a star,_

_Rockin' your eff-me-pumps,_

_And the men notice you_

_With your Gucci bag crew,_

_Can't tell who he's lookin' to..._

_Cuz you all look the same,_

_Everyone knows your name,_

_And that's your whole claim to fame,_

_Never miss a night,_

_Cuz your dream in life_

_Is to be a footballer's wife..._

_You don't like players,_

_That's what you say-a,_

_But you really wouldn't mind a millionare,_

_You don't like ballers,_

_They don't do nothing for ya,_

_But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller..._

_You're more than a fan_

_Lookin' for a man,_

_But you end with one-night-stands,_

_He could be your whole life_

_If you got past one night,_

_But that part never goes right..._

_In the morning, you're vexed,_

_He's on to the next,_

_And you didn't even get no taste,_

_Don't be too upset_

_If they call you a skank,_

_Cuz like the news, everyday you get pressed..._

_You don't like players,_

_That's what you say-a,_

_But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire,_

_Or them big ballers,_

_Don't do nothing for ya,_

_But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller..._

_You can't sit down right_

_Cuz your jeans are too tight_

_And you're lucky it's ladies night,_

_With your big empty purse,_

_Every week it gets worse,_

_At least your breasts cost more than hers..._

_So you did Miami_

_Cuz you got there for free,_

_But somehow you missed the plane,_

_You did too much E,_

_Met somebody,_

_And spent the night getting caned..._

_Without girls like you,_

_There'd be no fun,_

_We'd go to the club and not see anyone,_

_Without girls like you,_

_There's no nightlife,_

_All those men just go home to their wives..._

_Don't be mad at me_

_Cuz you're pushing thirty_

_And your old tricks no longer work,_

_You should've known from the jump_

_That you always get dumped,_

_So dust off your fuck me pumps..._"

Cue applause and Diana doing a curtsy before going back to her seat.

--------------------------------

Lucius looked at the contract, grinning evilly at the contract. There was a reason they were loose pages.

He put in the missing page, then stapled it.

I HEREBY STATE THAT, IN RETURN FOR BEING PART OF THE DIAGON ALLEY PLAYERS, I WILL DO WHATEVER THE MALFOY FAMILY SAYS TO DO, NO MATTER HOW AGAINST MY MORALS/VALUES IT IS.

And Lucius had a good idea of what the first would be. He did whatever he could to make his son happy, and Draco had recently fallen in love with Miss Cross. Not to mention, Lucius had bought the deed to the Nine Muses from Madame Rosmerta. If Diana refused to do whatever it was he asked, Lucius would close down the Nine Muses AND kick her out of the Diagon Alley Theatre Company.

It was so easy it was like taking candy from a baby.


	7. Gee, Professor Umbridge

The next day...

It was lunchtime and just about everyone was there, including the Gryffindor Jokers - Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Lee Jordan, and Dean Thomas.

George whined, "Christ, it's only noon and I've already got a detention."

"What's it for this time?" Seamus asked.

"I called Snape 'Professor Needs-Shampoo' behind his back and he heard."

The other four started laughing, and George yelled, "Quit laughing! I had to go to freaking Umbridge's office... I hate blood quills..."

Fred said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Lee said, "Report Umbridge to the Ministry?"

"No! Remember that song we made up last year?"

"Oh yeah," Dean said. "That 'Gee, Officer Krupke' parody!"

"Let's sing it."

"You first, dude."

Fred shrugged, jumped up on the table, and started singing,

"_Dear kindly Professor Umbridge,_

_You gotta understand_

_It's just the bringing up-idge_

_That gets us out of hand!_

_Our mothers all are loonies,_

_Our fathers all are lunks,_

_Great Merlin's beard, naturally we're punks!_"

All 5 of them jumped up (by now, the other students were cheering them on) and sang,

"_Gee, Professor Umbridge, we're very upset -_

_We never had respect that every student oughta get,_

_We aren't delinquents, we're misunderstood,_

_Deep down inside us there is good!_

_There is good!_

_There is good, there is good, there is untapped good,_

_Inside the worst of us is good!_"

George, mimicking Umbridge, said, "What a good story!"

Fred declared, "Lemme tell it to the world!"

George hit him on the back of the head. "First tell it to Judge Fudge!"

Once they had decided that Dean should be Cornelius Fudge, Fred sang,

"_Dear kindly judge, Your Honor,_

_My parents treat me rough -_

_With all that Firewhiskey,_

_I think they've had enough!_

_They didn't wanna have me,_

_But somehow I was had -_

_Phoenix feathers, that's why I'm so bad!_"

Dean sang, "_Professor Umbridge, you're really a square,_

_This boy don't need a judge, he needs an analyst's care!_

_It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed -_

_He's psychologically disturbed!_"

Fred sang, "_I'm disturbed!_"

All 5 of them sang, "_We're disturbed, we're disturbed,_

_We're the most disturbed,_

_Like we're pyschologically disturbed!_"

Dean said, "In the opinion of the Ministry, this child is depraved on account of he ain't had a normal home."

Fred yelled, "Hey, I'm depraved on account of I'm deprived!"

Dean head him on the back of the head. "So take him to a headshrinker!"

Lee decided to be the shrink. Fred sang,

"_My dad's a Muggle-lover,_

_My mom's over-protective of me,_

_My grandpa just keeled over,_

_My grandma pushes tea,_

_My sister wears a moustache,_

_My brother wears a dress -_

_Holy griffins, that's why I'm a mess!_"

Lee sang, "_Professor Umbridge, you're really a slob,_

_This boy don't need a doctor, just a good honest job -_

_Society's played him a terrible trick,_

_And sociologically, he's sick!_"

Fred sang, "_I am sick!_"

All 5 of them sang, "_We are sick, we are sick,_

_We are sick, sick, sick,_

_Like we're sociologically sick!_"

Lee said, "In my opinion, this child doesn't need to have his head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease!"

Fred said, "Hey, I got a social disease!"

Lee hit him on the back of the head. "So take him to a social worker!"

Seamus decided to be the social worker. Fred sang,

"_Dear kindly social worker,_

_They say go earn some dough,  
Like be Hogwarts caretaker,_

_Which means like be a schmo -_

_It's not I'm anti-social, I'm only anti-work!_

_Leaping hippogriffs, that's why I'm a jerk!_"

Seamus sang, "_Professor Umbridge, you've done it again,_

_This boy don't a job, he needs a year in Azkaban!_

_It ain't just a question of misunderstood -_

_Deep down inside, he's no good!_"

Fred sang, "_I'm no good!_"

All 5 of them sang, "_We're no good, we're no good, _

_We're no earthly good,_

_Like the best of us is no damn good!_"

George sang, "_The trouble is he's crazy!_"

Seamus sang, "_The trouble is he drinks!_"

Dean sang, "_The trouble is he's lazy!_"

Lee sang, "_The trouble is he stinks!_"

Both George and Seamus sang, "_The trouble is he's growing!_"

Dean and Lee sang, "_The trouble is he's grown!_"

All 5 of them sang, "_Umbridge, we've got troubles of our own!_

_Gee, Professor Umbridge, we're down on our knees,_

_'Cause no one wants a fella with a social disease!_

_Gee, Professor Umbridge, what are we to do...?_

_Gee, Professor Umbridge - ump you!_"


	8. Theories

That night...

"Hey, why aren't Fred and George here tonight," Cedric asked.

Hermione looked up from her notebook. "Umbridge gave them so many detentions for that little song today that they put Bender from 'The Breakfast Club' to shame."

"... where's Diana? Do you know?"

"She said she was going to the library to study."

Diana was walking down the corridor to the library. No one else appeared to be there - the only sounds she heard were her own footsteps. Until...

"So, Soprano, having a late-night cram session, are ya?"

She turned around on her heels. Draco. "What the hell do you want, Ferret Boy?"

"I just heard about you signing with my dad's company. Congratulations." His voice sounded weird, though - sly and condescending, as if he knew something she didn't.

"Thanks..."

"I'm rather surprised you signed the contract, though, considering the things that were in there."

"What are you talking about? It all looked rather agreeable to me."

"I have a copy of the contract, in case you're interested." Draco threw a bundle of papers to her.

Diana flipped through until she saw what he must be talking about. Do whatever the Malfoys say...? Since when was that in there? "I must've missed it while I was skimming," Diana thought, feeling nauseated. "Oh Jesus Christ, I signed this."

She said, "There's no way that was in there when I signed. Not at all."

"I'm afraid it was, sweetheart."

"Sweetheart...?"

"And you have to do whatever I say," Draco chuckled as he walked toward her slowly, looking right into her eyes.

Diana suddenly realized what he was thinking and started backing up. "No. NO! There's no way on God's green earth I would even CONSIDER that!"

"It was in the contract! You agreed to it."

"But I don't even remember seeing it - even if I had, I wouldn't have thought it meant this." Diana started to cry.

"That's what you get for skimming, and besides, I would've done it even without that contract," Draco whispered as he held her to him in an iron grasp.

Diana screamed, "Let go of me! Now!" as she tried to break away. It was no use - she couldn't even get to her pocket to get the wand.

Cedric walked down the library corridor carrying a few textbooks - he should be studying anyway.

He stopped in his tracks when he heard someone yell, "Let go of me!" It sounded like... oh God, no, it couldn't be...

He dropped the textbooks, got out the wand, and ran toward the noise - when he found the source of the noise, Cedric's heart dropped. "LET GO OF HER, NOW!" he yelled as he ran toward Draco and Diana.

The rest was a blur to Diana (a painful blur, she might add, like she was being beaten up). She remembered hitting her head on the stone floor, then blacking out.

Now she was in the hospital wing. "Oh Christ," Diana thought, "What did Ferret Boy do to me when I blacked out?"

She eased her eyelids open - her head felt like it had its own heartbeat right now, she must've hit it pretty hard - and sat up a little. Cedric was standing by the door. He hadn't noticed her wake up.

Cedric muttered through gritted teeth, "Ferret Boy's lucky I didn't kill him right there... what the hell was he thinking? Please, PLEASE let Diana be okay. It's my fault she hit her head on the floor - even if I was on the verge of killing Malfoy, I should've watched where I was going... anyway, thank God I got there before he could... ugh, I don't even want to think about it -"

Diana said, "Cedric? How long have you been there?"

His head turned with a motion that remind her of a slingshot. He ran over to the hospital bed and held her tightly. He then looked at her face - the look in her eyes nearly broke his heart - and smiled a little. "Why'd you take so long to wake up?"

"I asked you first. And what the hell happened? I remember hitting my head on the corridor floor, and Draco..." Diana could feel tears brimming. " What he do to me when I blacked out? Do you know?"

She could tell right away that Cedric didn't want to say anything as far as that went. Diana automatically assumed the worst and shook him by the shoulders. "Dammit, Cedric, you better tell me!"

Cedric thought, "So you don't like saying the word, Ced - who cares?! Just say it!" And he did. "He didn't rape you, if that's enough of an answer."

"Oh thank God." The relief about that was only the focus of her thoughts for a second - Diana's head started throbbing even harder, and she winced. "And why do I feel like I just went through a paper shredder?"

"Um..." Now this, Diana could tell, was something Cedric really didn't want to talk about. He was now staring blankly at the floor, and she tried as hard as she could to try to read his expression.

"Look, I know you're not the reason for it, so -"

"I feel like the reason, though. Diana, I'm sorry, if I gotten there quicker, maybe remembered that spells are more effective then trying to break a guy's neck -"

"Cedric! Don't talk like that, seriously. And you tried to break his neck?"

"Yeah..." He raised an eyebrow. "I'm probably going to get sued by the Malfoys for that, and you know what? I really don't care. Even if we're still engaged, call it exercising my rights as a husband."

"That still doesn't explain why I feel like I went through a shredder."

"... he was beating you up pretty bad."

"That explains a lot."

"I think Madame Pomfrey said he re-broke your leg, and I think I can safely say that the bruise on your face isn't a good thing."

"What? My face feels fine, though."

"Well, if it doesn't hurt, then it's probably not as bad as it looks... it's nothing concealer can't cover up."

"Ugh, I hate make-up. Even for plays -" Diana stopped short. Plays. Contract. What it had said. "Cedric, I just remembered something, and... I need your advice." Before Diana could stop herself to think of a way to phrase everything, cover up things that needed to be lied about, etc., she proceeded to tell the entire story in what seemed to her like one breath. And throughout the whole thing, Cedric never interrupted.

Once out of the hospital wing...

Diana looked in the common room mirror at her face, gently brushing her fingertips across her cheekbone. Cedric was right - that bruise definitely wasn't a good thing. It was the color of an overripe plum and covered all of her right cheekbone - the concealer barely helped, and the beauty spells worked averagely. She thought Draco had been trying to punch out her eyes when she first saw it.

She took a look at her face overall. It looked nothing like what she would've seen 5, 6 years ago. Back then, she would've seen a little girl with chocolate-colored pigtails, bespectacled eyes full of hope and voice bubbling in a rendition of 'Dancing Queen'. She remembered what Cedric had been like back then, too - hair all slicked back (the Hair Gel Phase, as they called it now with a laugh, had lasted about 2 years before Cedric realized that no one really thought it was attractive), voice cracking, and almost like the Energizer bunny. She was surprised he'd never been diagnosed with hyperactivity.

And now...

Diana saw only a narrow face with her dull waves framing her face and nothing more, contact-lensed eyes showing more then their deserved amount of worry, stress, and wearyness (the dark circles, if nothing else, gave it all away), and her face overall was pasty and lacking all life. Cedric tried to wear a mask of cheerfulness, but he was worse at hiding emotion then Diana was.

And all because of that damn contract.

There was no way that sheet of paper commanding her to obey the Malfoys was in there when she first read it. No way in hell. Also, there was no way such a thing was legal. What they mean to do, degrade her to House Elf status? And make her into Draco's slave?

But every time Diana looked at that contract, there it was. Her signature, Mr. Malfoy's signature, and 2 lawyer's signatures. It was obviously legal if 2 lawyers signed it.

She couldn't erase the thought of the look that was on Cedric's face when she told him about what had been in the contract - the reason she couldn't forget is because she hadn't been able to tell exactly what it said. Diana had thought it was hurt and panic at first, but now she thought it was one that said, "Well, if that doesn't teach you a lesson about looking before you leap, nothing ever will."

He had plenty of reason to think that, too. Judging by her stupidity (she had been skimming, which had definitely been a mistake), Diana was certain that she hadn't deserved Cedric beating up Draco and saving her from almost certain... she couldn't think of a term to describe it.

Just then, someone hugged her from behind and kissed her neck. She jumped and turned around to see who it was, scared out of her mind at the possibility that Draco could've gotten into the common room. It was Cedric.

He muttered, "I shouldn't have done that... you'd have plenty reason to worry about him trying again."

"It's okay." Before she could stop herself, she was crying again. "Cedric, what am I going to do? That contract was for 5 years, unbreakable unless I want to be sued and have to declare bankruptcy early. They bought the Three Broomsticks and the Nine Muses, too - they'd shut it down in an instant, and then Umbridge would know we were running a secret club that broke nearly every rule in the rulebook and have us expelled in an instant. I don't want to do that to you or anyone else. But I swear to God, that wasn't in there when I signed it. I know it wasn't. Even if I was skimming -"

Cedric shushed her. "There's got to be a way to stop it. There's got to. I believe you when you say it wasn't in there. You, above anyone else I know, can skim and still get everything. And to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if the Malfoys were up to something we didn't know about, one that no one could've guessed. Diana, I wouldn't care if I were expelled if it meant you were okay. Hell, I would kill myself if it meant you were safe. I'll tell Umbridge about everything by myself, I'll take all the blame."

"Cedric, don't -"

"Hold on a second. Let me see that contract."

Diana had been clutching it in a death grip all night, and the moment she handed it to him, her knuckles turned from bone white to their original color.

Cedric read every single word at least twice - definitely a hard thing to do, it being a rather blurry photocopy of the original - and then stopped. There was something weird about that 'Obey the Malfoys' page. It didn't look like the rest of the contract... it was handwritten while the rest was typed.

"Diana, when you signed this, was it loose pages or already stapled?"

"Loose pages, why?"

"Oh my God..." Cedric realized in horror what it meant. Lucius Malfoy had slipped the page into the contract after Diana had signed it, then stapled it. He hadn't counted on anyone making photocopies, but Draco, who was obviously in on it, forgot it was handwritten and made a photocopy to help convince Diana it had been there. Diana had been too panicked to notice the handwriting.

He told Diana the entire theory. Diana's hands immediately flew to her mouth, her face turned white, and her eyes burned with rage.

"It makes perfect sense!" she yelled. She could just barely restrain herself from running down to the Slytherin common room right now and beating Draco into a pulp. "Those... those... those cowardly, low, sleazy, condescending cane-twirling Pureblood-extremist worthless bastards!"

Cedric stood in awe for a moment. "Diana..." He started laughing in spite of his efforts not to, falling backward onto the couch, trying to stop as the laughter became a cackle. "I thought you were too much of a Hufflepuff to say anything like that!"

Diana crossed her arms, a smile edging on the corners of her mouth. "Cedric Robert Diggory, I've called people worse things then that, and I would think that you, as my fiancee and the person I intend to be with for the rest of my life, would know that."

"Well hey, you're the one who's never so much as threatened Ferret Boy."

"And there's a good reason for that."

"Why, then?"

"This coming from someone who's probably going to get sued for trying to break his neck! You of all people -"

"Should know why? Yeah, I know. Diana, why is it that you expect me to know everything? I don't get it - wait. You think I'm a mind-reader, don't you?"

Diana, who had turned to look in the mirror, turned abruptly to look at him. His voice sounded angry enough to raise a red flag. Cedric had gotten up and was taking small steps towards her, looking at her with narrowed, unblinking eyes that said, "Answer me. Now."

"Cedric...? Are you feeling okay? Of course I don't think you're a mind-reader, but... quit looking at me like that, it's creepy."

Cedric didn't quit, though. "Never been better, thank you," he said sarcastically. "I'm just trying to figure out what's going through your mind. Give me a second and I'll be able to."

"Oh, so you imply you're not a mind-reader, then try to read my mind. Interesting. Who do you think you are, Edward Cullen?"

"No. Edward dresses better then I do. Now shut up and let me concentrate." Cedric was now holding her head with both hands, staring.

They must've stood like that for a half-hour, but finally Diana said, hiding her freaking-out pretty well, "Cedric, please let me go. You're being creepy."

"Sorry. It's impossible to read you anyway."

"Why would you have to to begin with?"

"... it's a silly reason. It doesn't matter, anyway. Just trust me when I say I had a reason, not just that I wanted to make you feel like you were in a Stephen King book."

"Okay then... good-night."

"Sweet dreams, doll-face."


	9. Comparisons

Once again, Cedric was still up at midnight, trying to sleep. Nothing seemed to work, though. Not even thoughts of those flipping sheep that kept looking like bunnies.

He was right when he said he had a reason, and though it may have seemed silly to some, it made perfect sense to him. The main thing influencing it was that, earlier on in his Hogwarts career, Cho had cheated on him with Harry. Cedric hadn't even known until he heard Cho talking about it with her friends when she thought he was elsewhere.

Cedric could still Cho's voice loud and clear, talking to Marietta. "You know, it's funny," she had said. "I would've expected Ced to figure it out by now."

Marietta had said, "I know! What is he, stupid?"

"I guess so... just another reason to be with Harry rather then him. At least Harry would know if I were cheating on him."

And never had anything stabbed Cedric's heart more then those simple words. That overheard conversation had caused the break-up, plans for revenge that neither party followed through with, and too many other things to name. Feelings of stupidity, anger, depression, and things that the medical textbooks could never write down because they had no name.

So now...

Cedric turned over to stare at the ceiling, sighing at himself. "Ced, you're being stupid," he thought. "Why on God's green earth would Diana cheat on you? Let alone with Malfoy the Bouncing Ferret? You know, you stupidhead - and it's not your fault, Hufflepuffs were never known for intelligence - I wouldn't be surprised if Diana were on to what you were thinking. Why'd I have to stare at her like that...? Why?! Oh Christ, I go beyond stupidhead...

"But then... well... no, Cedric, don't even think it - ugh, kind of hard not to, conscious. Nothing's what it seems. So Diana was yelling for him to let go of her. What if deep down, she really enjoyed it? What if they've been together for MONTHS - you hear me? months! - and she only started yelling when she heard footsteps because she didn't want anyone to know?! I've seen her looking at him sometimes... she's never looked at me like that, but I know what it means. It means you'll die if they look back."

He said aloud, "I'm going insane. Good thing I'm not in 'The Haunted Airman' - both me AND Toby would be test subjects on the topic of insanity. Why'd I even watch that movie? Creepy as hell. I don't get what Diana sees in Robert Pattinson - oh well. That's probably because I'm a guy. Whatever - wait, am I still talking aloud?"

Ernie answered groggily from across the dorm room, "Yes you are. SHUT YOUR TRAP."

"It's no use, though."

"Then get out of here if you have to talk!"

Cedric thought for a minute, then said, "That's not a bad idea. If anyone asks, tell them I'm off stalking Nicole Kidman."

"Ced, they're all asleep. I don't think they'll want to talk to you."


	10. Rock Astrology

If you saw Cedric Diggory walking down the halls at midnight on that night, you would've thought you were seeing a ghost, and technically, that's all he was. He felt dead as a doornail. His eyes lacked all glimmer of life, his skin was pale, he moved silently and quickly with inhuman grace. No one would've recognized him.

He didn't even really pay attention to where he was going. He only knew that he had to keep his feet moving and that if he didn't, his mind would go back to paranoia, and that was the last thing Cedric wanted.

And then, without realizing it and as soon as he reached the courtyard, he closed his eyes, knowing the route he now wanted to go by heart, kept walking, and sang (the guitar background filling his mind like water into a glass),

"_This shining city built of gold,_

_A far cry from innocence,_

_There's more than meets the eye round here,_

_Look to the waters of the deep -_

_A city of evil..._

_There sat a seven-headed beast,_

_Ten horns raised from his head,_

_Symbolic woman sits on his throne,_

_But hatred strips her and leaves her naked,_

_The Beast and the Harlot..._

_She's a dwelling place for demons,_

_She's a cage for every unclean spirit,_

_Every filthy burden makes us drink_

_The poisoned wine to fornicating with our kings,_

_Fallen now is Babylon the Great..._

_The city dressed in jewels and gold,_

_Fine linen, myrrh, and pearls,_

_Her plagues will come all at once_

_As her mourners watch her burn -_

_Destroyed in an hour..._

_Merchants and captains of the world,_

_Sailors, navigators, too,_

_Will weep and mourn this loss_

_With her sins piled to the sky,_

_The Beast and the Harlot..._

_She's a dwelling place for demons,_

_She's a cage for every unclean spirit,_

_Every filthy burden makes us drink_

_The poisoned wine to fornicating with our kings,_

_Fallen now is Babylon the Great..._"

Cedric had now opened his eyes and was dancing down the halls, keeping in time with the guitar solo he had memorized the summer when he was 13, when Muggle music had ruled his world. He didn't care if anyone saw him - Cedric had given his whole heart and attention to the music.

"_The day has come for all us sinners,_

_If you're not a servant you'll be struck to the ground,_

_Flee the burning, greedy city,_

_Looking back on her to see there's nothin' around,_

_I don't believe in fairytales_

_And no one wants to go to Hell,_

_You've made the wrong decision,_

_And it's easy to see..._

_Now if you wanna serve above_

_Or be a king below with us,_

_You're welcome to the city_

_Where your future is set forever..._

_She's a dwelling place for demons,_

_She's a cage for every unclean spirit,_

_Every filthy burden makes us drink_

_The poisoned wine to fornicating with our kings,_

_Fallen now is Babylon the Great..._

_She's a dwelling place for demons,_

_She's a cage for every unclean spirit,_

_Every filthy bird and makes us drink_

_The poisoned wine to fornicating with our kings,_

_Fallen now is Babylon the Great..._"

When it was over, he was exactly where he wanted to be - the Astronomy Tower.

Cedric looked through the telescope in the tower at the stars. In that telescope, each star shined like a thousand suns, burning through the night sky like a match on kerosene. The tower had always been his secret haunt. Diana didn't even know that it was one of his favorite places to be (she would've made fun of him for it - she always said astronomy and divination was for loons).

All the different constellations seemed to interlace, forming one web of figures and stories, threatening to burst the sky at the seams. Cedric could already see the two he always looked for. Libra and Leo. Both were a little dim, since it was March, but whatever. He found them, nonetheless.

He payed a little more attention to Leo this time, though. That constellation, a lion roaring at the moon, was the one he related to Diana. In the Zodiac, the lion's secret desire was to be a star and the life pursuit was to lead the way. Fire, the Sun, peridot, and vibrant energy.

Cedric chuckled a little as he looked through the telescope. "Yep, that's definitely her in a nutshell."

Libra was his sign - the scales. Air, Venus, opal, an unsteady pysche. In other words, his mood could swing at a moment's notice. The secret desire was to live an uncomplicated life and to be consistent.

And now, he payed attention to which planet was the brightest.

"Oh Christ," he muttered.

Aries - as in Ares, Greek god of war and all hateful feeling - was brightest, and the closest constellation to it was the one that Cedric didn't want to see.

"Draco the Dragon."


End file.
